Moose Mountain Comics

According to some egghead in Mount Vernon, Maine, “american dogs and cats produce 10 million tons of waste a year, and no one knows where it’s going.” Well, seems to me, it’s had no trouble finding  its way to the heel of my boot. But guess what? Somebody’s come up with a solution to our nation’s poop problem. Yup, looks like they found a way to paddle that creek. And they also found a cure for that energy crisis everybody’s droppin’ bricks over. See, they got this contraption that produces electricity, natural gas, and even fuel from fecal matter. Turns it all into methane. Trouble is, you need a ton of turds to supply enough energy to keep the Christmas lights on your trailer from going out. Well, this got me thinking, what we really need to do is set up excrement redemption centers all over Maine. In this way,  folks can redeem their unwanted loose stool for hard cash.

And we shouldn’t stop there either. Everything in Maine produces ca-ca. Especially the moose. The bogs are full of bull… if you get my drift.

If you check out your Maine history books, you’ll likely read about the time when European settlers and local Native Americans didn’t get along with each other. To the Maliseet, Passamaquoddy, Abenaki, Penobscot and Micmac tribes, those pushy Eurotrash homesteaders were the original “summah complaint”*. Oh, we’re all one big happy family now, but back then, their tussle made that famous feud between the Hatfields and the McCoys seem like a sorority pillow fight.

Did you know there’s a law, still active on the books here in Maine, that requires shotguns be taken to church in the event of a Native American attack? Jeepers, the last Native American attack I heard about happened when Chester Peavey got himself thrown off Indian island for cheating at Penobscot High Stakes Bingo. Still, no one wants to break the law, or pay a hefty fine, so the good folks of the pine tree state still haul their artillery to church. Everybody “packs heat”– the choir, the deacons, and especially the ushers. That’s why you see all those bumper stickers and t-shirts around town that read: “Jesus is number one with a bullet” and “I’m a pistol packin’ Pentecostal pacifist from Penobscot.”

(* Tourists. Especially the annoying kind.)

Here’s a couple more laws that might interest you:

In the state of Maine, you may not step out of a plane in flight. If you think about it, that seems like a pretty good law. Not sure why the rest of the country hasn’t caught on to that one.

In Augusta, Maine’s state capital, it’s against the law to stroll down the street while playing a violin. Not really sure why violins were singled out though. Maybe folks were getting their eyes poked by errant bows. Still, if that’s really the case, why not outlaw wandering trombone players too!

In the bustling harbor town of Portland, Maine, shoelaces must be tied while walking down the street. Not sure if that law was created by the fashion police or if too many folks were tripping over their laces and busting their heads open on the concrete.